Jawbreaker

It's kind of late and I shouldn't have taken my nap around 6. I already screwed up my entire sleeping schedule, but I plan to stay energized by a diet coke and countless amounts of food tomorrow. I'm excited to get a refund on one of my AP tests, because I want to shave off all this stress. I think I've decided what I want to do with my future-- or atleast attempt to decide. Music has always been a strong calling to me, and I've always been fascinated by artists and their interviews. Of course it's going to take awhile. I'm trying to figure out which cal state I want to go to and then eventually transfer to Medill in Chicago. I have another year of high school shit- and I love to complain in this blog. Right now I'm listening to Ben Kweller while a Robert Frost book of selected poems pours over my desk. I kind of want to watch Sex and the City tonight and look forward to drinking hot chocolate in the morning. I'm trying to make my life happier, see things a little bit brighter, and get myself drenched in as much Art History and English composition until my brain fries and is eventually sold at McDonalds.
I've been looking at Galadarling's article on life after high school(...and life in general) and it really has helped me over come alot of mental obstacles I face. I kind of realized that I can only make myself happy and that looks, brains, and everything is already inside of me and I shouldn't worry so much about what other's think of me. If I want to paint my nails black, I'll fucking do it! If I decide to drench my eyes in eyeliner-I'll do it! and my music taste is fabulous and people are crazy to not like it. They just don't have incredible taste. Okay I'm getting a little cocky.
Today my geology told a group of obnoxious kids that at a 10 year high school reunion, the dorky chicks would be the ones that are the hottest, and the "hot" chicks will be fat with kids. I laughed at this horrendously- I loved it. I always picture myself in the future. Single, a little lonely.
Hold up, Sex and the City is coming on and I have to find my TV controller.
Okay, back to describing myself in later years. God, how obviously boring my life is. Sitting here, typing, wishing my life would change for the better in a couple of years, giving my self false hope, and I pray silently everyday that I get out of this suberian hell trap.
I want to be: fierce (wow, America's Next Top Model word- almost better than a SAT word!), compassionate, naturally beautiful, happy, loving, openly distant, and everything in between. I wouldn't mind being single, hoping that all the things I've learned in my life has paid off in relationships and that I've become smarter- kind of like a jawbreaker. Raw, hard to the core, filled with many layers, and sweet. Bitterly sweet.
I always realized that Carrie Bradshaw was the perfect girl for any guy. She was always there, she was always hilarious, always had the best heart on her shoulders when every single relationship she was in for the past 39 of her life crackled. She was beautiful, intelligent, and had a steady job. Why didn't any man really love her? Besides the crap that happened in the movie, even her dream guy was a complete douche to her for 10 years of her life.
I guess the writer's of the show always wanted women of America to realize that you must make yourself happy, and even 30 year old singletons don't get the happy ending- no matter how rich or beautiful. I would write more but my fingers feel numb and my nose is an icecube. Goodnight- I pray for better days.