Seventeen

"For your soul, my love
Rip out the wings of a butterfly"
- HIM

Need to stop ogling over long lost boys. Need to actually do homework. Need to stop eating so much. Need to start writing a book to let out all these suppressed emotions. Need to listen to more Janis Joplin. Need a lady bug to fly on the strands of my hair while I sleep in the grass with my sunglasses so I can sleep in a world of shaded red and sunflowers...
Today, when coming home from school, I had the most enormous revelation of my ex-lurve standing behind the door waiting to pounce on me. I got a little excited but to my surprise it was just a scarf on the floor. Of course, I am battling myself in my head, telling me to stop, rewind, and rethink all the others who have graced these lips before and how their now stuffed inside my closet like the unused geometry and stuffed animals.
Queen Adreena and a bowl filled with ice cream would get me out of a situation like this. I've been battling this for 3 months now. What the fuck is wrong with me? I don't know. Maybe it was like.. love. hahaha.
Sometimes, I have dreams of being older. Their more like day dreams, but they involve him. I'm working and in college at the same time, while he goes to the same event as me. We are meeting, then leading into a bed that looks as if it is a black cave swallowing us whole. We have sex. It sucks, but I remind my seventeen year old self how wonderful it was supposed to be. I leave before he wakes up from being so disgusted in myself. He gets ahold of me and tells me he was once in love with me. I remember how many times I wanted to be with him so badly and he wasn't ready. My older self leaves him, telling him that he's too late. I then suddenly feel impowered, beautiful, and ready to take on the rest of the world.
I want to feel that right now.
Though I do feel like I do not need anyone, I also watch myself wanting to wait on a rock, smoking a cigarette, and finding the meaning of life through an endless supply of drugs, chocolate, and kisses.
Not happening anytime soon, sadly. My fucking horoscope makes me feel like shit:
"Still single? Shame. Doesn't have to be that way you know. If you get yourself out and in the public eye today there is no telling what can happen. Try talking to attractive strangers about the weather. Open your mind and heart, and you will be surprised what walks in."
Hey horoscope, it does have to be that way. You want to know why? Because I am a fungus to guys, and most guys are a fungus to me. I don't want to open my heart to the next loser swarming around my head. Who talks to strangers about the weather? Not when your in high school. Drugs, maybe. But not he weather. We aren't mature enough to think of things outside our heads, funny horoscope.

"I taste death in every kiss we share
Every sundown seems to be the last we have
Your breath on my skin has the scent of our end
I'm drunk on your tears, Baby, can't you see it's hurting"
- Razorblade Kiss, HIM